No Esape
by ghfann5
Summary: Kristina's on the edge, facing some truths about herself. But what can she do about it? Set last year during Kristina's return. Slight mention of depression and suicidal thoughts, plus author's lengthy opinion.


No Escape (From Reality)

 **(TW: DEPRESSION/MENTION OF SUICIDAL THOUGHTS)**

Cold was an understatement for the bitter, icy feeling surrounding her. She looked down over the pier, aware of how easily one could get lost in those dark waters. One could just as soon freeze as drown, probably. Yet the thought didn't scare her, or move her away from the edge. Instead she inched forward, letting the wind totter her and feeling a calm she couldn't claim in months— _years_ if she was honest with herself.

It was stupid, really, to feel the way she did. It's not like she wanted to die. How did that song go? _I don't wanna die; sometimes wish I'd never been born at all_. That's how she felt. But it was so stupid. So she was failing out of college. Many students didn't make it to graduation, but she doubted that shattered their world like it did hers.

There she went, not being honest again. Her academic discipline came as a result of her not attending all but one of her classes. One day she just stopped going, unable to get out of bed. The world had seemed too much, and she'd stopped living in it. Real life got too unbearably _heavy_ , so she opted out and pretended with her family.

And then in one of her respites from the smothering fog she'd been attacked by, there was Parker. Not just older. Not just her professor. But a woman. Kristina had always admired the articulate and relatable blonde, and at the beginning of the semester toyed with the idea of Professor Forsythe becoming a mentor. She was the only bright spot that Kristina had to look forward to more often than not, even more so than the temporary "boyfriend" who'd dumped her.

Still, neither her boyfriend nor her professor was enough to get her out of her room most days. It really was no surprise that her relationship ended. And Kristina couldn't blame anyone else for her own feelings or actions. So maybe Parker had shown some interest in her; it was also very possible that Kristina had wrongly interpreted that interest beyond a student-teacher relationship. That decision was a direct path to rejection from both Parker and Wesleyan.

Now, balancing on the old wood overlooking the water (but not really because she came here already knowing what she couldn't do), she was disappointed in herself once again. She wasn't good enough; wasn't smart enough; wasn't strong enough. These were thoughts she'd had frequently over the past few months. Being back home and pretending she was adjusting fine made those feelings more rampant.

Intellectually, Kristina knew that she wasn't as dumb or weak or ugly as she often felt. She recognized that she had been depressed whenever that oppressive weight lifted. But that was when she felt like she could handle things herself, talk herself out of being depressed. She didn't need help to fight her demons. It wasn't as bad for her as it had been for her father. But she had never been like him that way before. The last thing she needed was for someone to look at him and then look at her and think that they saw a similar kind of crazy.

More than anything, she was embarrassed. She _knew_ that she shouldn't be, that a mental illness was nothing to be ashamed of. But then she thought of all of the heartache she'd brought to those around her in the past, and felt that this could lead to nothing more than disappointment or pity.

She pulled herself back on the pier against a new gust of wind—breath hitching, vision blurring—thinking of yet another thing she couldn't do right.

 ** _A/N: This idea came to me when Kristina first came back last year and was acting a little sketchy. I was excited for Kristina to come back and highly interested in the storyline we were introduced to, but disappointed with the outcome. Granted, I haven't been watching the show in its entirety in months (opting to catch up on a few characters' story online), but I didn't like the direction K's story seemed to be heading. Exploring her sexuality could have been such an opportunity for growth, yet I only see the same bratty kid she was when Lexi first came to GH. Kristina's been through a lot but I feel like the writers are keeping her so superficial. I mean, she's an adult; can we write her like one? As a young person who struggled with depression and anxiety after going away for college and subsequently leaving early, I thought it would be interesting if K had gone through something similar. Anyway, my point is that I want more; I know Lexi has the ability (check her out in A Girl Like Her) to play vulnerable and sympathetic. Right now her character is just pathetic and annoying. It kind of worked when she was younger, but before she left she was starting to grow out of it. Like people do when they get older and gain experience in the world. Give me that. Give me a young woman confused about her sexuality and involved with her family and not overdramatic at the break of a nail. Don't give me this whiny, flighty, unnecessary character with half-assed storylines._**

 ** _Okay, sorry for the rant, and I appreciate you if you actually read it. Hope you enjoyed the story._**


End file.
